charming chelsea

Wheeeeee! Back on the psychological rollercoaster

Written on August 28, 2010 in Beauty, Depression, Life

I’m trying to find out how it can be that last week I felt good about my body, slim, and a few times even a bit beautiful, and yet this week I have felt nothing but utter disappointment at that frumpy, short, sickly ginger girl I see in the mirror every morning.

She’s not pleasant to look at. Often I’m too lazy to take makeup off at night so I go to sleep in it (this is BAD, ladies! Don’t do it!) so the girl that greets me in the morning is a frightful sight. She looks like a panda with black smudges under her eyes and her skin would really benefit from a good cleansing before bed. She looks tired… with blotchy cheeks, dark under-eye circles (I’ve always had ‘em) and frizzy orange hair. Thankfully, this is all I see of myself in the morning as I don’t have a full-length mirror. I don’t think I could handle that kind of horror first thing in the morning, so this is good.

I promptly shower in the morning and begin the process of putting makeup on every part of my face so that I look very unlike my natural self. Because of course the aim is to look as little like my actual self as possible. Heaven forbid that someone would see what I really look like without all the crap on my face.

The sad reality is though that I can rarely go outside without makeup on. My flatmate laughed and rolled her eyes at me the other day when I was asked if I wanted to go to the supermarket and I replied, “But I haven’t done my makeup”. Yes, I know that sounds incredibly, incredibly stupid. But this is a real reflection of the deep fear I feel at the thought of people seeing the “bare bones” me. I do know that I am making progress in this area, but I also know I’ll continue battling this insecurity for a long, long time yet. It’s not something that just goes away over night.

What’s perhaps even sadder is that sometimes I confine myself to my bedroom because I feel such a strong sense of fear of judgment about my weight/body shape that I can’t bring myself to go out. This doesn’t happen too often anymore, but it does happen from time to time, and it’s not fun. It sucks being stuck in my room. But at these times I am truly afraid of being seen, because I know that what I have to show the world just doesn’t measure up (in my opinion, of course). I hold incredibly double-standards though – if I had a friend going through this same thing I’d be supporting her and showing her how beautiful she is. Not for myself, though. Nope. Different rules apply for me.

And this thinking changes all the time. As I said, last week I actually felt good about myself. Maybe it was that I got a lot of positive affirmations from people who don’t normally make comments on my physical appearance. I felt grounded and comfortable in my skin. But this week? A totally different story. I’ve felt insecure, ugly, fat, whatever. All those dramatic “girl” things. I’ve been thinking about fasting. I’ve been thinking about doing 3 hours of running a day. I’ve been toying with the idea of living on yoghurt for a few weeks. (Apparently this worked wonders for Peter Jackson, who now looks gaunt, lifeless and disturbingly reminds me of “Uncle Bad-touch”. Hmmm.)

At this point, a fellow Christian might say, “Just be grateful for how you are! God made your body so it’s beautiful! Hallelujah!”

To that Christian I want to say just this: Stuff off.

It’s obviously not really about my body. It’s about my head. God also made my head, but it sure as hell isn’t very beautiful in there right now.

I sure hope this rollercoaster ride ends soon. I’m feeling nauseous.

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To Blog Or Not To Blog?

Written on August 27, 2010 in Uncategorized

I’ve been thinking over the past few days that I might actually just scrap this blog. I dunno… it’s not really turning out how I envisioned it – you know, a new post every day, something thought-provoking and deep….. instead I just rant and ramble, and it makes me wonder: is this whole thing just a reflection of inner arrogance?

If I wasn’t going to scrap it, I think I’d want to overhaul it and start practicing actually thinking about interesting topics and writing about them… rather than just going, “la dee da, I got a wedding dress” etc etc.

I’d really love to write about Christian theology, only I’m afraid because I’m not a scholar and whenever I try to become smart about something I actually just end up proving I’m an idiot. (My brain doesn’t retain information that well… what a curse.)

Is anyone out there who might like to give me some thoughts? Just interested.

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Clayton

Written on August 24, 2010 in Life

This story is burned in my memory.

Friday, April the 9th 2004.

The first day of the easter holidays. My 7th form year. I stayed up late the night before, as I always did when there was no school in the morning. My best friends went to a party out in Carterton. They asked me along but I declined. I wasn’t into drinking, back then.

Clayton and Jessie must have partied pretty hard. I didn’t get a text from them all night. I stayed up really late. Probably playing The Sims.

So Friday morning I slept in. As per usual. In those days it was hard to get me out of bed before noon in the school breaks.

Though on that day, I was woken at nine. My parents, opening the door. Dad sitting beside me on my bed and mum standing behind him. Come on, mum and dad…. nine o’clock in the morning? On the first day of my break?

They assured me not to worry, but Jessie was in hospital. Didn’t make it to the party. A car crash on the way out. She was fine, though. A few injuries but nothing major.

I got up, put on my dressing gown. Went into the lounge, ate some breakfast by the heater, sitting on the lounge floor. Cross-legged. I sent Jessie a text message to ask how she was. No reply. Guess something happened to her phone. I sent a message to Clayton, asking if he was all right. They had been together last night. Was he in hospital too? Why wasn’t anyone replying?

A news bulletin came over the radio. A short item about the crash. No names given but someone had died. Someone died? I sent a text message to my friend Grant to ask if he knew anything. He was at the party too. I wondered if he’d been with Jess and Clayton.

No reply. I finished my breakfast and went back to my bedroom as mum and dad did their usual stuff around the house. I brushed my hair and had a nice hot shower. I love the feeling of being clean. I had contemplated going back to bed, but my mind was too active wondering about Jessie and Clayton. I got out of the shower, wrapped myself in a towel. Wrapped my hair up in a towel. Walked back to my bedroom.

My cellphone was buzzing on my bed. I shut my door, grabbed it frantically to check. It was from Grant. The text message was plain, oh so simple. I’ll never forget it.

Clayt is dead.

What did I feel in that moment? Everything and nothing, all at once. Shock. Disbelief. Shock…

Body shook. Vision blurred. No way. Couldn’t be. The cellphone dropped from my hand as I sank onto my bed. I buried my face in my hands and cried.

I cried for a long time.

I thought about him today. And I realised, very sadly, that as each day passes I remember him less and less. The memories fade. I remember one thing, though, always. He talked of wanting to give me a hug when I was down. I never got that hug. I decided that when I get to heaven I’ll look for him first, and be waiting for my hug. But now I wonder… will I even know him?

Did I ever know him?

It’s been six years.

He would have a university degree by now. I hope he would still be part of my life. He was always such a comfort to have around.

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Pre-wedding excitement!

Written on August 11, 2010 in Wedding

Because it’s not something I do very often, I’d like to take a few moments to express some joy in being who I am, and also how EXCITED I am about getting married!

I wish January wasn’t so far away! My wedding dress arrived on Monday and it’s absolutely beautiful. It’s more than I had hoped for. I got it at an amazing price, though I took a bargain ordering online and without the opportunity to try it on before buying. But I had it tailored to my specific measurements and it fits perfectly! Furthermore – it looks really really good on me. This is something that really means a lot to me, because I have never really felt beautiful in my life. I was worried about trying it on, because trying on dresses is usually not an experience that goes well for me. But, wow! It covers up all my pudgy bits! It’s just so beautiful….. I can’t bear to have it in my closet for five months, I want to wear it NOW! Though, I would like to lose a little bit of weight (not too much) before the big day, so in that respect I’m quite glad I have five months.

Another thing I’m really excited about is the prospect of having EYELASH EXTENSIONS. These are basically false eyelashes that are adhered to the ends of real eyelashes to make them long and beautiful. I’ve always wanted long eyelashes; and now I’ll have some. It’s a pity they only last a month!

And the third thing I’m super excited about – aside from actually getting married, of course – is the photographers we’ve booked. They drove all the way from the Hutt to Karori to meet us and show us some of their albums – and I have to say I was really blown away by their work. You can check out their website here. They do some fantastic stuff and I absolutely can’t wait to see what they’ll come up with for our special day. What impressed me most though I think was that they were so incredibly friendly and chatty – I felt at ease with them immediately and was able to have a great, relaxed talk with them about what we want. Super super superrrrrrr.

Can’t wait for January!

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Lost.

Written on August 11, 2010 in Anxiety, Depression

Here we go; time to practice being open:

I feel completely and utterly disconnected right now. I’m not sure what I should do or think or feel.

Nothing traumatic has happened. But recently I was putting all my heart into making sure I could go to work every day. It worked for a few weeks, and now I’m sick. Again. This is about the third (or fourth?) time since I started at my current job.

The first time, a couple of weeks in, I got a migraine and had to have a day off. Okay, whatever. I get migraines sometimes. It’s annoying, but I can’t do much about it. Then, probably a week later, I started getting pains in my arm – from the wrist right through to the shoulder blade, aching. RSI. That took a few weeks to get over, and if I remember rightly I think I had just one day off from that. Actually I’m still not totally over it, but my arm has improved hugely since then. So that’s okay. Then, I had almost a whole week off because I got a chest/throat infection. All of this happened within the first month of me working there. Not a good look. I can understand how bad that looks from the employers’ perspective. I’d probably be suspicious if the roles were reversed.

Then I did well for a few weeks. Got myself better, started eating better, started doing regular exercise to keep my mind and body in a happy, healthy state.

On Monday I felt my throat starting to get sore. So I jumped in and started taking stuff asap to try and prevent an onslaught of illness. Vitamin C, Echinacea, and a herbal syrup my boss raves about. I took them religiously. Did they help? No. I’m now off work again with what feels like a relapse of that chest/throat infection I had about a month ago.

I. hate. being. sick.

And every time I go back to work, I feel paranoid that the bosses hate me when all I really want to do is show them I can do a good job so they’ll want to keep me. I really really love working at that place. Everyone’s friendly, everyone gives me a chance to learn and occasionally tell me I’m doing a really good job. I feel that I know what I’m doing and I don’t feel pressured to be more than I am. I am happy to go to work each morning, which is something I’ve not had with previous jobs.

Maybe it’s just my anxiety that makes me assume the worst, but I think I’ll spend today prepping myself to be told I don’t have a job anymore. I mean, who can blame them right?

Okay, that’s the end of my big depressive rant. All I can do is hope for the best, and if I do have to find a new job then so be it. I will take whatever I can get.

Still….. I feel pretty crappy.

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